It’s a Thursday evening and British Summer Time, which means I don’t have to worry about the sunlight leaving me in darkness, and it also means the streets are full and London’s Soho is buzzing with friendship shared over a pint in a cordoned-off area of the pavement.
I’m curious as to if these people know I’ve never actually been in a relationship, and if they knew how they’d react. Sheepishly wandering the streets, the discomfort stems from not only my constant sobriety but the knowledge that every one of these men will wonder for a brief moment if I am coming onto them in the seconds as I approach them. I am not.
But the people of London are willing, and drunk: this is undeniably a factor. We can only hope the secrets they have to share are as worthwhile to them as the pints they’re drinking.
A large group and an even bigger queue, “Do y’know Jemina Kirke from Girls, you should watch Girls, she said that the secret to a happy marriage is knowing that you will fall in, or fall out of love with each other, and you’ve made a promise to come back to each other. So it’s a little bittersweet but I think that’s the secret to long-lasting love. Knowing that you’ll come back to someone.”
He smiles at her as she talks and waits patiently for her to finish, “It’s just really simple for me, it’s just humour. Find someone funny, if they make you laugh, like that’s kind of the spice of it all. If you are spending time with someone and they make you laugh more than anyone else in the world, there’s a really good chance that you’re always gonna wanna spend time with them. Find someone who makes you laugh.”
We swap the couples in the group, and the new pair giggle over their Guinesses in plastic cups.
“It’s…” *in unison* “communication. It’s so cliche but I think there’s a saying like ‘some things are better left unsaid’ but for us it’s like putting everything on the table "they say; "When in doubt, don’t leave it unsaid, say it. Because if you can’t talk through it you’re probably not with the right person.”
The entire phrase is spoken intermittently and shared between them, persistent head nods are batted back and forth and they come to the same conclusion. Streets are crossed, and for nothing if not inclusion, we ask the same to a pair of schoolboys.
“That’s not a question for me, I can't lie.” Passionate about many things I’m sure, but the blush that approaches his face tells me that romance is not one of them yet. I let the pair move on and cross the street again.
“It’s just sticking with it. Sincerity, and sticking with it.”
Kind responses and smiles awash the faces we approach to answer “Learning from mistakes. I’m divorced and remarried; recognising when you’re having challenges and deciding you need to stick with it, but recognising you might need some assistance, and get some counselling early on and work through it.” The friends say they were just discussing this topic and insinuate a moment of fate.
“Honesty, just being truthful with each other, and not trying to force it too much.” Admittedly, this commenter is younger than our previous pair but his point holds weight just as the others do.
“Friendship I think, having friendship at the core of the relationship.”
“Respect, I feel like if you always have respect for each other, no matter how much you… I don’t know if you argue, if you have respect you’ll never disrespect each other, you’ll never be mean to each other. Being each other’s fan girl, and generosity of spirit.” Like our other participants, the ladies look to each other for reassurance and enthusiastically nod-along to their answers, they say they were just discussing this and look to retrieve their thoughts from earlier.
Short and sweet but this gentleman in particular is doing his best to be certain I’m not using this discussion to distract him and sneak my young-faced friends into the bar he guards. “Be kind to one another.” he says.
“Communication.” If we’ve learnt nothing, by now we know at least that sharing your thoughts with your partner is a non-negotiable. Obvious? Maybe but these things can get lost in the abyss that is spending the rest of your life with someone, permanently.
“Trust. I think it’s really important when it comes to a relationship, I think trust is so so important, if you don’t trust the other person what chance do you have you know, going forward?” She looks at me intently when she says this, maybe she thinks that I’m in a relationship personally seeking the secrets to longevity.
“I think friendship, I feel like there’s some aspects of friendship that some relationships won’t have, and I don’t think it can work without them. And I think to be a good friend, you have to be loyal.” Just like one of our previous applicants, the stance of this group of doormen and women radiates in the kind but serious tone they address me with.
With the adrenaline of talking to strangers flowing rapidly through my body, the group comes away with the knowledge these people have taken the time to share their thoughts, and a speck of their personal lives with me. They nod happily to have shared, and maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe they were waiting for this opportunity to advise.